118 - FRANK'S UNDERWATER LOVE LETTER

Featuring: Booze, Chuck Turtleman, Beardo

Whaaaat’s up, my honkies?

On this extra-special episode of the SFJ podcast, we see a new side of our favourite Idiot of Facebook, Frank. And, as we’ve seen his penis, we didn’t think there were many new sides left to see. Frank reveals a love letter he received about a decade ago, from a lady who may or may not have been a mermaid. With a very low megapixel cameraphone.

Oh, & our other favourite Idiot Lisa sings us a beautiful song, after which all her celebrity friends line up to tell her how great it was.

Beardo is back to tell us what happened on his in-no-way-highly-suspicious-not-that-there’s-anything-wrong-with-that-anyway all-male super fun weekend. Are these tame anecdotes REALLY the best things that happened in the whole 72 hours? Or does what happened in the YMCA, STAY in the YMCA?

All this, tougher sentences for children, a fish that STILL isn’t biting gentlemens’ bits and bobs, and in-depth coverage of one of Jennifer Lopez’s testicles.

So pull on your internet wetsuit, spit in your mask and stick us in your snorkel.

Dive! Dive! Dive!

117 - MIDDLE SPREAD MOMS!

Featuring: Booze and Chuck Turtleman

Whaaaat’s up, my honkies?

On this very special episode of the SFJ podcast, we’re a man down.  It seems Beardo has gone away for an in no way highly suspicious males only weekend on which no women were allowed. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Here at Sweet Feathery Jesus, we celebrate alternative lifestyles.

This leaves Booze and Turtleman to discuss a super food diet that doesn’t seem to include any actual food, a mother of six who thinks she looks exactly like her sexy (her words, not ours) 14 year old daughter, a superhero dressed as a Baked Bean, and Marlee Matlin taking time out from the Super Bowl halftime show to like one of Booze’s tweets.

Oh, and we revisit the time that everyone’s favorite Idiot of Facebook, Friend Zone Frank! (yay) was actually ON THE PODCAST!

So open up a can of legumes in tomato sauce, pop on your leather cap & stick us in the front basket of your Rascal scooter. 
Let’s boogie!

116 - KIMLY CHAOS

Featuring: Beardo, Booze, Chuck Turtleman

Whaaaat’s up, my honkies?

What’s that sound, you ask? Why, that’s the New Idiot Alarm! That’s right. On this very special episode of the Sweet Feathery Jesus Podcast, we introduce you to our brand new Idiot of Facebook… Kimly Chaos!*

Kimly is a very special lady, who loves her kids, presumably thinks cancer is bad, and enjoys getting engaged on an almost daily basis to internet gentlemen she entices with a blurry photograph of her “clevage”.

Sadly and bafflingly, these relationships rarely seem to end on good terms, resulting in some very public arguments, death threats, pictures of weaponry and poorly spelled quotes from the bible.

The First World War was a terrible thing too, I’m sure we all agree. It did, however, lead to the birth of plastic surgery. I’m sure that if he were still with us, pioneering surgeon Sir Harold Gillies would look up from repairing the blown apart, caved-in face of a brave serviceman, and wipe away a tear of pride when he saw how his fledgling techniques eventually led to young stripper Kayla Morris being transformed from a normal looking girl into a cross between a barrage balloon and an upside down mandrill.

Meanwhile, Beardo gets flummoxed, Turtleman solves some more crimes, Booze impersonates a vicar and someone’s mum has hands like an alien.

So saddle up your lovely horse and stick us in your ears. It’s gonna be a wild ride!
*Special thanks to listener Tommy for discovering Kimly.

115 - THE HAPPY NEW CHINESE CHINAYEAR OF THE CHINESE CHINAMONKEY

Featuring: Booze (rat), Chuck Turtleman (cock), and Beardo (ox)

新年快乐, my honkies! That’s right, the Happy New ChinaYear is upon us, and this time around, for the first time in the history of the SFJ podcast, it’s the Happy New Chinese Year of the Chinese Chinamonkey! In keeping with this extremely auspicious occasion, we bring you this very special episode of the Sweet Feathery Jesus Podcast, which is focused on all things Chinesey and monkeyish.

In retaliation for the travesty that was Tiptoes, Booze and Beardo make Chuck Turtleman and his Internet Lady watch a beloved TV Japanese Chinashow from their youth, called “Monkey!”, This show never aired in the US, and so Chuck was totally unaware of its very existence. Until now! It features Japanese Chinapeople depicting Chinese Chinapeople, overdubbed by British people doing a hilariously racist Chinese China-accent. Don’t worry, there’s also plenty of gleeful violence and attempted rape (it is a kids’ show, after all!).

Professor Chuck Turtleman takes up the Chinese monkey copter, and brings us a veritable Chinese buffet of stories from the Chinese Chinaregions. We also feature one of the best Idiots of Facebook segments ever, when some of Friendzone Frank’s “Bellas” turn on him in a cruel twist of fate that he totally did not bring upon himself by his own repeatedly stupid actions.

All this, more casual racism than you can poke a chopstick at, and the very special return of a fan-favourite former SFJ segment after a two-year hiatus, on this very special episode of SFJ!

So drill some ear holes in your lampshade-shaped monkey-sized Chinahat, and stick us right in there, nice and deep!

(Special thanks to Gravy!)

114 - A VERY SPECIAL DWARF SPECIAL

Featuring:  Booze, Beardo, Chuck Turtleman
Producer: Booze, Beardo, ChuckTurtleman

Whaaaaaat’s up, my diminutive honkies? On this, very special little episode, we dissect the 2003 dwarf film, Tiptoes, starring Matthew Mahogany and Gary Old Man. Is this straight-to-DVD movie a stunning tour-de-force of cinematic brilliance, or a steaming abortion of a film? The answer probably won’t surprise you.

Professor Turtleman takes up his miniature news copter and brings us four not-so-tall tales, all of which feature humans of less than regular stature. Having found a dwarf for Booze on a previous episode, we check in with Jemma Suicide and see what she’s up to (or down for, as it were). Finally, to break with the theme, we check in with our not-so-little Idiot of Facebook, Friendzone Frank!

All that, a dwarf sex criminal, the Islamic State, and at least one mention of a monkey, in this very special episode of the Sweet Feathery Jesus Podcast. So stick it in your tiny little earholes, my honkies!

113 - BEARDO PRESENTS: SFJ CABARET: THE PODCAST!

Featuring:  Belasco, Beardo, Chuck Turtleman
Producer: Beardo

Haaaaaaappy New Years, my honkies!

In this very special episode, Beardo takes us on a stroll down memory lane, and curates a collection of the best ever SFJ original songs. Remember when Lisa Bleepdo and Kenny Powers were reunited and it felt so good? Beardo remembers. Remember when Doctor Peay (RIP) took to the skies in his world-famous News Scooter (due to budget cuts)? Beardo remembers. Remember when a Chinese Chinaman’s Chinapants got blown off by an exploding tractor tyre? Beardo Remembers.

All that, some KITTARDS, some casual racism and the monkey god Hanuman, on this very special episode of the Sweet Feathery Jesus Podcast! So stick us in your New Year-holes, my honkies!

112 - A VERY NORTH KOREAN CHRISTMAS

Featuring:  Belasco, Beardo, Chuck Turtleman
Producer: Booze, Beardo, Turtleman

Meeeeeerry Christmas, my ho ho honkies!

Ever wondered what Christmas is like in the Democratic People’s Republic of North Korea?

Of course you have. Well, wonder no more. On this very special festive edition of Sweet Feathery Jesus, we talk, live via satellite, to an undercover correspondent embedded behind the Bamboo Curtain!

But not before we pay a musical tribute to our favourite Idiot of Facebook, Turtleman takes to the snowy skies in his Holiday Copter, Beardo embraces feminism & Booze is poisoned live on the podcast.

Also making our Yuletide gay is our old pal Dicky, who brings us a very special Christmas “Just the Tip”, YouTube sensation Stefano, with a very special erotic Christmas song, and all the bang up to date brussels sprout news you can shake a sleigh bell at.

So pour yourself a disgusting drink you wouldn’t even dream of imbibing for the rest of the year, gather the family around the tree and stick this in ALL your earholes. It’s Christmas! (Special thanks to Sam from the Kimchi Chronicles and Strange Times, who really IS in Korea, you know. Although there’s no way you’d be able to tell from listening to the podcast. We might as well have got Belasco to do one of his funny voices. It would’ve been a lot easier)

(Our favourite actress Shirley MacLaine is played by Gravy Hayes.)

111 - ON THE WAGON TRAIN! (I.E. THERE'S NO BOOZE. GET IT?)

Featuring:  Belasco, Beardo, Chuck Turtleman
Producer: Beardo, Turtleman

Whaaaaaat’s up, my honkies?

Grab your 20-sided dice, dust off your wizard cloak, and invite your three friends to your mom’s basement, because Belasco, king of the #Belascopaths, is back!

Chuck has still been playing his Solvin’ Crimes* game, and with the help of the best voice actor in SFJ history, he takes us on a thrilling ride through his latest case!

Despite some resistance, Chuck takes up the copter for the News Round, and brings us stories of a gorgeous gator-grappling gal and some handy-capable Chinese Chinapeople. Also, we hear another installment of the Saga of Krystal Keith, to see how he reacts to news of his own death.

All this, and more casual racism than you can poke a chopstick at, in this very special episode of SFJ.

Special thanks to Shirley Maclaine, who played the role of Gravy Hayes.

*Criminal Case

110 - CRIMINAL CASE - THE PODCAST!

Featuring:  Booze, Beardo, Chuck Turtleman
Producer: Beardo, Turtleman, Booze

Waaaaaatson up, my honkies???

Strap a deerstalker on your bonce and prepare yourself a nice juicy seven percent solution, it’s time for an all-new, very special, three pipe episode of Sweet Feathery Jesus!

Chuck has a new favorite smartphone-based video game, which apparently involves the widespread application of hand lotion, and criminal suspects of a bizarrely uniform range of heights. Oi Me Colon (Mum, Try Up!) is thankfully no more, but Booze has found a replacement, as SFJ now owns the exclusive audio podcast serialization rights to a brand-new biography of a current, modern-day superstar actress.

Beardo is back, blasting #Belascopaths and bigots on his news didgeridoo. Chuck takes up the newscopter for another suspiciously monkey-free News Round (although, don’t fret, there are Chinese Chinapeople aplenty).

All this, another triumphant return of Dicky’s ‘Just The Tip’, plenty of casual racism and a Stefano mystery for you to solve, on this very special episode of SFJ.

The game is afoot! So stick it in your ear.

(Shirley MacLaine is played by Gravy Hayes.)

109 - HALLOWEEN (& GUY FAWKES NIGHT) SPECIAL!

Featuring:  Booze, Beardo, Chuck Turtleman
Producer: Beardo, Turtleman, Booze

Whaaaaaat’s up, my haunted Halloween honkies?! On this very special spooooky Sweet Feathery Jesus, we have themed the ENTIRE episode in accordance with Halloween and/or Guy Fawkes Night (but not Bunyip Day).

We learn about the history of Booze’s dumb country’s dumb holiday traditions, and why it is absolutely necessary to burn catholics to death. Beardo brings us a very spooooky slice of True Australian History, and Chuck takes up the News Copter to bring us some truly terrifying news stories, except that one of them isn’t terrifying in the slightest.

Booze inflicts a very spooooky episode of Oi Me Colon (‘Mum, Try Up!’) upon his innocent and long-suffering co-hosts, and we check in with Idiot of Facebook Duct Tape Lisa, who is as frightening as ever.

All that, a scantily-clad R&B songstress, some magical Facebook spells, a spooooky song about Turtleman’s haunted audio equipment and the most annoying sound effect ever, on this very special episode. So stick us in your eery holes, and enjoy this horrifying Halloween SFJ special!

(Oh, and if you listen very carefully you may be able to hear the adenoidal snoring of a ghostly hellhound. Which is pretty spooooky.)

108 - SHANGLEFRANGLE! (SCHADENFREUDE!)

Featuring:  Booze, Beardo, Chuck Turtleman
Producer: Beardo, Turtleman, Booze

حالتون چطوره؟ (Haletun chetore), my honkies? That’s the Iranian ChinaLanguage, for all you Anglo-/Euro-/Amerigo-centric monoglots. In this very special episode of SFJ, the S stands for Shanglefrangle, also known as schadenfreude. Without realising it until after the recording, this week the lads indulged in a real ShangleFest of Frangelic proportions. From the transgendered to the transabled, from a comatose Swiss Spaniard to an unfortunate Danish zoo animal, from the city of Iran to the television screens of South ChinaKorea, you’ll laugh until you join us for eternity in Satan’s embrace.

That, a healthy dose of casual racism and over 450 pounds of Friendzone Frank, in this very special episode of the Sweet Feathery Jesus Podcast.

So fire up the Shanglefrangle alarm and stick us in your cotton-filled earholes, my legally blind honkies!

107 - AUSTRALIAN HIJACK!

Featuring:  Booze, Beardo, Chuck Turtleman
Producer: Beardo, Turtleman, Booze

Hi there friends, it’s me, Beardo. In this very special (and your favourite) episode of the Sweet Feathery Jesus podcast, the person in control is me, Beardo. That’s right, your favourite Australian/Clevelander, Beardo, has hijacked SFJ. But don’t worry, those other two guys are on it too.

In this episode, we discuss my sweet cephalopodic tattoos, and Booze takes us to the far East, where Chuck and I have to tell the difference between President Obama and his Chinese ChinaLookalike. While in the Asian ChinaRegions, we are also forced to experience another episode of Oi Me Co-Lon by the tyrannical and megalomaniac British member of the SFJ team.

Professor Chuck Turtleman is granted permission to launch his News Copter, and he brings us three stories that all involve dicks in some way, as is his custom.

We also welcome a new bit that has a wonderful jingle, but highly objectionable content, from our correspondent in MassAHHchussettes, Dicky (yes, also phallic).

All this, a lesbian with a strap-on, and a discussion on where to urinate in one’s kitchen, on this very special episode of Sweet Feathery Jesus.

So bang a black billy, stick us in your aural orifices, and listen to the best ever episode of SFJ.

Your friend,

Beardo

106 - WORLD'S BIGGEST DICK!

Featuring:  Booze, Beardo, Chuck Turtleman
Producer: Booze, Beardo, Turtleman

Tempers fray on the podcast this week, as suspiciously “refreshed” sounding technophobe Chuck Turtleman has trouble (again) with his recording set-up, and Booze and Beardo have to painstakingly talk him through troubleshooting it. Step by step. Over the phone. Between three different continents. For over an hour. Which was a bit like trying to get a chimpanzee to fix Apollo 13.

This tension carries over into the show, and two beloved SFJ segments are abandoned for good.

Chuck takes up the copter (without asking for permission) for the News Round, in which a hippy from Hawaii has bollocks for brains and a dolphin as a midwife, and Beardo’s homeland is sprouting up messiahs left, right and center. We also examine the world’s largest penis, but come to find that the biggest dick on the internet may in fact be one (or all) of us. But don’t worry, this episode has at least one monkey in it, and a healthy dose of casual racism. So wrap your dolphin-proof panties over your 19-inch member, pray to Aussie Jesus(es), and jam us tight into your ear-holes for a very special episode of the Sweet Feathery Jesus podcast!

105 - THE ED FOR PRESIDENT!

Featuring:  Booze, Beardo, Chuck Turtleman
Producer: Booze, Beardo, Turtleman

Whaaaaaaaat’s up my honkies? On this fortnightly injection of podcast brilliance right into your main-vein, we finally welcome back recurring guest, reformed bank robber and listener favorite, The Ed!

Move over, Deez Nuts, because The Ed is all fired up, and ready to forge a new government of The Ed, for The Ed, and by The Ed.

Chuck takes the copter up for the News Round, and brings us a story from Belasco’s back yard, about a wizard who is being rather careless with his (or her?) raw meat. Also, this week’s Idiots of Facebook is all about Chuck Turtleman’s favorite “thing” on the internet: Duct Tape Lisa. Grab your socks and prepare for the #Shanglefrangle alert, this one’s a doozy!

All that, a bullied Belascopath, and a thoughtful analysis of the ongoing North/South Korea China-conflict, on this week’s Sweet Feathery Jesus.

So stick us in your aural orifices, and vote The Ed, 2016.

104 - ENGLAND IS RUBBISH

Featuring:  Booze, Beardo, Chuck Turtleman
Producer: Booze, Beardo, Turtleman

Whaaaat’s up, me old China plates?

Put another whelk on the Barbie(cue) as our Australian correspondent Beardo returns to insult the country his criminal forefathers were exiled from years ago, for crimes too trivial to bother hanging them for. He starts with a report on England’s lamest sports, most of which seem to have been invented to give the aristocracy an excuse to fondle each other’s bottoms.

There’s more England bashing in the News Round, as Prince Harry saves animals by murdering them, and we find out that Booze is paying to keep a big fat lady in skinny men and Xboxes.  It’s not all route one, lowest common denominator xenophobia, though.  We also give you our review of HBO’s critically unacclaimed Real Detective(s), meet a lady dwarf with an extra appendage, listen to a lovelorn listener’s letter to Chuck Turtleman, and Beardo pays for his absence last week by performing a Feat of Strength. And we’re probably the only podcast you’ll listen to this week that features a flashback within a flashback, followed by a flashback. (That last flashback isn’t within the first flashback, though. That would be confusing.)

So put the saucepan lids to bed, pour yourself a nice warm pint, and stick this in yer bleedin’ ear’ole, my honkies.
Gertcha!

103 - BALDGUST 2 - ELECTRIC BOOGALOO

Featuring:  BoozeBelasco, Chuck Turtleman

Producer: Booze, Turtleman

Guess what? Belasco’s Back!

We were let down this week by somebody who shall remain nameless but who is Australian and has a big beard, so we had to ask a real professional to come back from his holidays and help us out.*

Although our host strangely disappears when we welcome back another blast from the past… our agony aunt Bane off of Batman, who drops by to help solve a listener’s love conundrum.

Remember Baldgust? That’s SFJ’s answer to Movember, where instead of getting to grow a cool moustache, you shave your head to look like a victim of male pattern baldness. Well, a cancer charity has stolen our idea, so we’re not going to rest until we’ve sued them for every cent of that juicy cancer money.

Meanwhile, we find out how our woodworking and methamphetamine enthusiast Idiot of Facebook Krystal Keith’s very public romance is getting on, struggle not to make the obvious joke when a lady’s cat gets unfortunately shaved, and find out which Hollywood actor took a small role that ended up being the role of a lifetime.

So stick this in your ear of choice and have a very Happy Baldgust, my honkies!

102 - SOUTHBOUND & DOWN

Featuring:  Booze, Beardo, Chuck Turtleman
Producer: Chuck Turtleman, Booze, Beardo

Whaaaaaat’s up, my cotton pickin’ honkies?

Beardo’s banjo bits are finally appropriate, as we journey down South to check out Chuck Turtleman’s homeland. Join us, dagnabbit, as we delve into the divisive dilemma of the confederate flag, and learn how to drawl like true sons of the South with Steel Magnolias accent coach Professor David Alan Stern.

Along the way, we’ll answer all the big questions. What is the secret meaning behind the numbers on the General Lee? What 1970’s BBC sitcom star flew to Arizona to have sex with a horse? Why did a woman from England wake up talking like a Chinese Chinalady? And how much does it cost to ship 5 T-shirts soaked in urine?

So put on your Daisy Dukes and meet us at the Choke’N’Puke. It’s time to put us in your earholes for a roadtrip down South, y’all.

Yeehaw!

101 - ANGELS IN OUR CLASSROOMS - AN SFJ SPECIAL REPORT

Featuring:  Booze, Beardo, Chuck Turtleman
Producer: Chuck Turtleman, Booze, Beardo

All Banjo Stunts performed by Beardo

In this very special 101st episode of SFJ, we dig deep into the disturbing and worrying issue of student/teacher affairs, and bring you the hard-hitting facts and analysis you’ve come to expect.

Yes, it’s an SFJ Special Report on #Angels in our Classrooms! Professor Turtleman takes up the newscopter, and introduces us to one of the world’s sexiest international monkeys (according to social media users in Japanese Chinaland).

Chuck also calls into question the pretend rapeability of a 43-year-old woman, whose fitness watch torpedoed her titillating tall tale, Beardo is back with his banjo to help Chuck and Booze find love, and we check in with Friendzone Frank, whose reaction to the legalization of gay marriage is typically considered and thoughtful.

All this, plus a dwarf, a kittard, an increasingly naughty shark, and the chance to play along with the brand new game that’s sweeping the nation… Angel Or P(a)edo!

So open your textbooks, take careful notes, and put us in your earholes, my honkies, it’s SFJ 101: Angels in Our Classrooms – an SFJ Special Report!

100 - TAYLOR SWIFT'S ARMPITS

Featuring:  Booze, Beardo, Chuck Turtleman
Producer: Chuck Turtleman, Booze

Crack open the champagne and festively dye your armpit hair, it’s SFJ 100! Or, 177.

On this special centennial episode, Booze nostalgically remembers the hairy pits of yesteryear’s Europeans, and yearns for a dwarf worthy of his love. We learn the altitude of Chuck Turtleman’s navel, and then visit with Professor David Alan Stern; the accent guru, who teaches us all how to talk like a fair dinkum Aussie.

And the show gets really disruptive when we are forced to examine whether our weekly Franks are bully or cheeky (they’re cheeky). And someone special to us all celebrates father’s day early, and it works out just great.

All this, a monkey named Jesus and so much more… On episode 100 of the SFJ podcast.

So stick us in your ear holes for the 177th time, my honkies.

99 - CHUCK'S INTERNET DATE - LIVE!

Featuring:  Booze, Beardo, Chuck Turtleman

Producer: Chuck Turtleman, Booze

Whaaaaaaaat’s up, my lovebirds?

In this special romance-themed episode, Chuck Turtleman goes on an internet date with an internet lady that he’s never met before, and records it all for your listening pleasure. Seemingly on some equipment that Edison threw out for sounding a bit rubbish.

Booze brings us the tale of a scantily-clad love meltdown in the crazy world of R&B, and we hear about two angels dispensing no-questions-asked guilt free love as we take to the sky for the News Round. One of the angels is very fond of Twister and other… toys.

We all love our Dads, right?* Well, one of our favourite Idiots of Facebook is back, and if you’re stuck thinking of a gift for Father’s Day, you’re in luck. Especially if your Dad likes virtual wine and wicker.

Speaking of Idiots, Frank reaches breaking point and calls the police because somebody photoshops a lampshade on his head.

All this, plus Jesus The Monkey, Beardo on a banjo (I know, I know it’s serious) and a chance to win your very own date with Chuck!

Stick it in your lover’s ear, my honkies.


*Except Joseph Fritzl’s kids. They probably don’t even get him a card.