98 - JESUS THE MONKEY!

Featuring:  Booze, Beardo, Chuck Turtleman

Producer: Chuck Turtleman, Booze

In this international, action-packed episode we have a very special guest from down under, Beardo! 

We start the show off getting the long-awaited global perspective on Korean Chinaleader Kim Jong Il, Jr’s newest execution method.  Professor Chuck Turtleman is Internet dating, and tells us all about his adventures with the fairer sex in Asheville, NC (home of Wackadoo’s comedy club).  Beardo gives us a live reading of his True Stories of Australian History, and it involves sex, animals, and sex with animals -which we learn is a favorite scandal with the Australian people. 

On our News Round, we take to the skies of London, England and Somerville, Massachusetts to discuss tortoise mating behavior and taxi cab crashes.  Our Idiots of Facebook segment has a recurring favorite, and he was on the news!  (and the News Round).  And, we have a heaping helping of Cheeky Franks of the Week this week.

We wrap things up with a discussion of girls on the dating site who have messaged Turtleman who are not girls. He would like to take for ice cream and ask about their day.

So put us in your ears, and get ready to learn, laugh, and maybe even find love.

97 - WHAT'S UP, MY HONKIES

Featuring:  Booze, Belasco, Chuck Turtleman

Producer: Chuck Turtleman, Booze, Belasco

Let’s clear up a bit of listener confusion. Contrary to popular belief, Mr Turtleman is not retiring from the podcast. He’s just being a crazy maverick & refusing to play by the rules like Belasco & Booze & all you other lame-O squares do.

He still brings us the News Round, though. But now he does it whilst chewing bubble gum, turning his hat backwards & wearing blue jeans & white sneakers. This week, we meet a Brazilian bodybuilder who asks “Do you even inject, bro?” & a Canadian Chinaman who likes turtles so much he attaches almost 53 of them to to his legs & under-regions. Or maybe they’re tortoises. Hard to tell.

We continue the tale of our new Idiot of Facebook  Krystal Keith & his completely trustworthy mustachioed lady, Booze goes into battle with an old girlfriend he hasn’t seen for over half of his life & Belasco celebrates Star Track Day.

Beam Me Up, Scotty!

Links

96 - LIFE IMPROVING LIFE HACKS

Featuring:  Booze, Belasco, Chuck Turtleman

Producer: Chuck Turtleman, Booze, Belasco

We have good news and bad news. First the bad news: a beloved part of our long-running podcast is retiring as of this show. The decision is final and only an enormous groundswell of positive iTunes reviews and word-of-mouth promotion will change it. The good news: Little Caesar is back and she’s still whining on Facebook. We have all the juicy details.

Also, we’ll hear about a pain-reliever commercial that’s giving Booze a headache. Belasco bemoans the unfairness of every other country in the world getting “Avengers: Age of Ultron” before the United States. Turtleman shares a few life-hacks that may just get you off the couch and living fully once again, but probably not.

Our Idiots of Facebook segment asks the probing questions: Could be that Crystal Keith has finally found love? Does Friendzone Frank finally end the pity-party and take charge of his life? You’ll have to listen. Later, in the News Round, a big-game hunter gets the big brother treatment and Zebras are on the loose again in (where else?) Belgium.

So put your phone on speaker and stick this one in your head, honkies.

Links

95 - LIVE FRINE THE GOLDING NUEGT!

Featuring:  Booze, Belasco, Chuck Turtleman

Producer: Booze, Chuck Turtleman

In episode #95 we learn the history of Las Vegas’ legendary Golding Nuegt. All the big names played there – Elvis, Ted Nugent, and now SFJ! It’s an honor to be a part of its storied history.

Turtleman’s News Round introduces us to Lee and we hear about his run-in with a home-made tattoo gun.  Spoiler Alert: the tattoo gun wins.  Also not expected to fare well, a Russian man who is allowing his head to be transplanted onto another body.

We’ll visit with Beardo and learn another True Story from Australian History about “the worst thing ever produced.” Several Idiots of Facebook check-in including Blurry Shirley, Lisa <bleep>, and multiple Franks being creepier than a man with a transplanted head.  Also, Belasco mourns over the hardship suffered by a board game cafe and Booze suffers through Superbitch and the Chicken Pox.

So, stick this one in your ears and tip your waitress, honkies!

Links

93 - ANGELO!

Featuring:  Booze, Belasco, Chuck Turtleman

Producer: Booze, Chuck Turtleman

In our 93rd full installment, we meet hunky beefcake Internet sensation Angelo! He was in Menudeo, but now he’s all grown up and, lucky for us, hasn’t given up his love for music! He’s got the body of the hulk and the voice of Stefano.

Later, we discuss the various classifications of little people, have some R&B news with Booze, discuss Turtleman’s stepmom’s childhood poodle, and Belasco tells us all about Han Solo’s latest plane crash. And, you’ll want to buckle-up because our news copter takes us to exotic places like Rome and Applebee’s.

We have a very special Idiots of Facebook. Remember the hunky beefcake Angelo? Well, he has very interesting fans on Facebook. And, wow, are they idiots! As usual, we go to their pages and read their comments and dissect their lives for your listening pleasure.

Dim the lights, pour some vodka in the poodle’s bowl, and put us in your earholes, my honkies!

Links

92 - SPOCKTOR WHO

Featuring:  Booze, Belasco, Chuck Turtleman

Producer: Chuck Turtleman

Art by: Chimera-Stormhawk (http://chimaera-stormhawk.deviantart.com/)

What’s up, my honkies!

Chuck Turtleman here to tell you all about Episode 92 of the SFJ podcast. First, I regale the listeners with a story of being stabbed by turtle poo, Belasco is excited about the upcoming Settlers vs. Cthulhu movie, and Booze tells us why Belgium is Shit. I explain how to outpoint a mollusk then a pachyderm in the boxing ring, and we all learn some fascinating Australian History.

The News Round Copter is stuck over North Korea this week, but we don’t come away without a slogan. And on this week’s Idiots of Facebook, instead of delving deep into the trials and tribulations of one idiot, we hit on highlights of several of them to bring you a smorgasbord of low IQ narcissism.

Finally, I believe I have proved to Belasco that while perhaps not “anyone” could write a comic book, I certainly could. The only problem with the first two installments was they were too short, so I made them twice as long! I hope you all enjoy Belasco trying to hide his enjoyment of Spockter Who and his dog Bacchewa’s incredible journeys to other planets as much as Booze and I do.

So charge up your robot, put us in your earholes, and set the dog to co-pilot and enjoy the soothing sounds of the Sweet Feathery Jesus podcast. Don’t worry -I edited.

Links

91 - BEARDO!

Featuring:  Booze, Belasco, Chuck Turtleman

Producer: Chuck Turtleman, Booze, Belasco

There are a lot of beards about these days. And, even though you’d think they’d be a terrible health and safety risk around all those barbecues and snakes, they’ve even got them in Australia now. Especially the men. This week,  SFJ’s hirsute antipodean correspondent Beardo brings us the first of his True Stories from Australian History. Don’t worry, there’s a monkey in it.

In the News Round, we hear about some pretend PVC police lady preposterousness in a Brazilian women’s prison and a Doom Metal “singer” who goes asphalt surfing without a board.  We’ll re-visit our Prison Pen Pals to see if Booze will finally pick one with a pronounceable name.

Later, our Idiots of Facebook segment takes us into the life of a grieving woman and her unique coping mechanisms, Belasco continues to beat the dead horse about role-playing games, and Prof. Turtleman brings us the second part of his Spockter Who saga.

So, suitcase this one and share it with the cellmates, but don’t let the warden catch you with it.

Links

90 - TAKEN 3: THE TAKENEST

Featuring:  Dr. P, Booze, Belasco

Producer: Dr. P, Booze, Belasco

In this action-packed episode we reluctantly agree to watch Taken 3, so you don’t have to. It’s got plot holes you could drive a truckload of Albanians through, and not only does nobody actually get Taken this time, it hasn’t even got that Sikh shopkeeper dude from the first one in it. Listen and find out whether we liked it!

We tour a Fleshlight factory with a lovely Czech pornography lady called Wageena, don our dungarees to wrestle a gigantic pig in Texas with some very manly men, then take to the mean streets of New Delhi with our slingshots to protect the President of the United States. We won’t spoil it and say what we were protecting him from, but they’re very, very naughty and like hats, cigarettes, and bananas.

Professor Turtleman submits a comic book for Belasco’s approval, we discuss the possibly magic vagina of Kathy Bates and conclude our dramatic reading of possibly the most idiotic Facebook drama of all time.

Oh, and we’ve had a listener complaint. From the Hindu Monkey God Hanuman.
Stick it in your ear, my honkies! Or we will find you, etc, etc.

Links

89 - SFJ SELL OUT

Featuring:  Dr. P, Booze, Belasco

Producer: Dr. P, Booze, Belasco

We’re back, and chock full of ads!

Yes, the SweetFeatheryJesus.com podcast is sponsored now, and in addition to all the Far East and monkey humor you’ve grown accustomed to, SFJ is also now a place to find products and services you’ll love!  Just be sure and enter the codename “Jesus.”  Oh, only we won’t be joking about the Far East any more. Or Belgium. We wouldn’t want to upset our sponsors.

With all that sweet, juicy podcast money, we can afford to bring you this extra length bumper episode featuring a brand new bit from our host… Belasco’s Comic Book Corner.  You won’t believe whose son is a famous comic book writer now. I’ll give you a clue… he doesn’t go by the name Stephen King Jr.  In the News Round™ we take to the skies in the Turtleman Copter over Kansas and Oklahoma City for two – count ’em, two – monkey stories and two songs about monkeys to go with them.

Turtleman takes us on a walk down memory lane and shares a story of poop, mama gorillas, breast milk, and young love.  Also, for probably the first time ever, he regales us with the story of his grandad’s pet monkeys, Pete and Miss Pete (Pete was the boy monkey).

Finally, we have an Idiots of Facebook featuring Idiots so stupid that it broke the podcast and made it have to be two parts. We’ll bring you the rest of it on episode 90. All this, plus animal pugilism, Rihanna incarcerated in a safari park, and much much more, on a very special Sweet Feathery Jesus.

Links

 

88 - CHIMP CHRISTMAS!

Featuring:  Dr. P, Booze, Belasco

Producer: Booze, Dr. P

Merry Christmas, my honkies!

Spend a festive hour in the company of Professor Chuck Turtleman and friends in this very special Christmas edition of the SFJ podcast.

You’ll meet a man whose Yuletide will now not be so gay, thanks to Baby Jesus, find out if Hip Hop album titles are the reason for the Chinese Chinapun ban, and shed a Christmas tear at the passing of a 2-headed mutated Kittard freak.

We ask a Horrible Holiday Hypothetical,  find out what crappy film Belasco will be watching this Christmas, and visit a very lonely Idiot of Facebook who’s using his dead parents to try to get laid. Bless.

Booze takes us through the British Christmas television schedules in our brand new game TV Show or TV No, and Chuck Turtleman avoids flying reindeer as he takes to the snowy skies for an all-Xmas News Round.

There are lots and lots of elves (well… dwarves) and, if you listen carefully, you’ll hear Chuck’s adenoidal dog sawing logs in the background. Yule logs, of course.

This is going to be the best Christmas ever!

87 - LITTLE CAESAR - A CHUCK T JOINT

Featuring:  Dr. P, Booze, Belasco

Producer: Dr. P

Due to holiday scheduling conflicts, in order to get a podcast out, the fellas had to turn the reigns over  to Chuck Turtleman (formerly known as Dr. P) to write, direct, and edit this action-packed episode. He starts the show off with the hot new game, “Professor Chuck Turtleman’s Guns and Animals Quiz,” but you’ll have to listen, we won’t tell you what it was about.

From there, we meet a brand new Idiot of Facebook that will make you want to open your hearts and wallets. Or at least passive-aggressively suggest you do. We also catch up on our Prison Pen Pals, familiarize ourselves with the slang of today’s youth, and learn there is indeed more than one way to skin a rabbit.

And it wouldn’t be a News Round without a visit from Mr. Dong and Mr. Chin. So put us in your earholes and come visit us for a while…

and bring some seafood.

86 - MR. DONG MEETS MR. CHIN

Featuring:  Dr. P, Booze, Belasco

Producer: Booze, Dr. P

Ni hao, my honkies!

It’s a Chinapeople extravaganza this week as we see what cheese-loving Naughty Leader Kim Jong-Il Jr. has been up to, infiltrate an oriental graverobbing bicyclist ring and introduce Mr. Dong to Mr. Chin. If you’ll pardon the expression.

Changing the subject completely, Booze shows us Belgium’s most disappointing penis, somebody called “Chuck Turtleman” steals Dr. P’s News ‘Copter, and Belasco tells a very, very funny joke.

In SFJ’s Penitentiary Pen Pals, our ovaried offenders include a helpful “youth worker” and a nice young lady who could show Kim Kardashian a thing or two about beverage balancing.

Last, but definitely not least, we catch up with our favorite social media simpleton in a special-length Idiots of Facebook that may or may not end with a beautiful romantic duet.

So take your loved one in your arms, gaze deep into their eyes and… stick it in their ear.

xoxo

85 - OUIJA - THE PODCAST

Featuring:  Dr. P, Booze, Belasco

Producer: Booze, Dr. P

As friends we’ve gathered, hearts are true, spirits near… we call to you.

Is there anybody there?

Oh, there you are. Happy Halloween!

Following the runaway success of our Battleship episode, we thought we’d try another board game based crappy movie tie-in. Ouija… The Podcast.

Join us as we attempt to contact the dead before your very ears. You won’t BELIEVE what happens.*

Is there anything more horrific than a toddler? Yes. 3 toddlers. Dr. P brings us a tale of terror that will make you think that Freddie Kreuger might have had the right idea about childcare.

Booze proves beyond any doubt that there’s life after death with the aid of a butterfly and a man called Don, Belasco reads a comic book called Sex Heroes or something and we meet some more lovely locked up ladies in SFJ’s Penitentiary Pen Pals.

Then, in a very special Halloween News Round, we meet a woman with a dead Nan and a haircut from 1983, find out why ‘Lil Bub won’t be going to Tanzania anytime soon and ask whether dead babies can ever be funny.

As it turns out, the answer is no. But we left that bit in anyway.

So turn out the lights, stick us in your ear and remember…

Even a man** who’s pure in heart, and says his prayers by night
may become a wolf when the wolfbane blooms
and the autumn moon is bright.
My honkies.

*you will believe what happens.

**or lady.

84 - CHIMPANZEES IN DUNGAREES

Featuring:  Dr. P, Booze, Belasco

Producer: Booze, Dr. P

And… we’re back!

After 83 episodes of Season 1, welcome to Season 2 of the Sweet Feathery Jesus! Podcast.

We’re still committed to bringing you the finest monkey-based, Chinaland-centric podcast on the internet, but we’ve added loads of new stuff just to annoy people who don’t like change.

In Penitentiary Pen Pals, a listener shows us a website where we can meet lonely, open minded, non-judgemental ladies. Who just happen to be in prison for serious crimes.

Dr P meets an old flame with a new baby in Horrible Hypothetical, and Booze tells us why he thinks Belgium is shit in his new feature called… “Belgium Is Shit”.

Then we add Linda Ronstadt’s knickers to the long list of things we’re slightly obsessed about, and Belasco reads some comic books.

So stick it back in your ear, my honkies. Thanks for listening!