058 - FELIX TRENCH - WORLD'S WORST DAY

It’s a beautiful day! Our guest this week is the actor Felix Trench, star of the podcast sitcom ‘Wooden Overcoats’ (www.woodenovercoats.com) and history graduate who thumbs through the Worst Foot Chronicles to look for the World’s Worst Day. There are quite a few to choose from… Felix gives us a worldwide tour of the year 1556, Ben harks back to the day the 20th Century began and Barry does a double-take as he discovers his calendar has a February the 30th.

Follow us on Twitter: @worstfoot @bazmcstay @benvandervelde @felixtrench

Worst Foot Forward is part of Podnose: www.podnose.com

057 - MATT STELLINGWERF - WORLD'S WORST PUNISHMENT

We're joined this week by award-winning Kiwi comic and former criminologist Matt Stellingwerf to cover a seriously grisly topic: the world's worst punishment.

This episode comes with a serious content warning as we delve into the depths of human behaviour to discuss capital punishments with the sort of inventiveness normally reserved for Wallace and Gromit. Our search takes us from medieval Spain to Enlightenment Sweden, with nods to Greek myths, Greek history and depressing American present. You'll learn a lot in here and hopefully come away not too depressed about the nature of humanity...

Follow us on Twitter: @worstfoot @bazmcstay @benvandervelde@M_Stellingwerf @podnose

056b - THE WORLD'S WORST 'BEST OF 2017' EPISODE

This week on Worst Foot Forward we are celebrating joining Podnose, the UK’s leading independent entertainment podcasting network. To mark this, we’re looking back over our first year (and a bit) of trivial silliness and awful achievements. We’ve picked out some of our favourite facts and fripperies from episodes 1 to 53, featuring some of our very best guests and very worst worsts, including understudy dogs, delicious seagull wine, Sexy Pac-Man and #goatballs. If you’re a longtime listener or are tuning in for the very first time, this should give you a good idea of the sort of nonsense we peddle week in, week out. Wooden spoons at the ready? Dig in.

 

Follow us on Twitter: @worstfoot @bazmcstay @benvandervelde @podnose

056 - LAURA LEXX - WORLD'S WORST TEA

Anyone for tea? Following on from speaking to the quintessential British rapper last week we cover the most classic of all British topics this week: tea.

Joined by award-winning comedian and host of the CineMastermind podcast Laura Lexx we settle a debate that goes all the way back to the very firstvcuppa that was stewed a little too long and severely displeased a Chinese emperor. As well as getting very annoyed at Fortnum and Mason for the most expensively pretentious teabag on the planet we reveal tales of daring disguise by swashbuckling colonialists, the hitherto little known practice of tea duelling and the astonishing number of different digestive systems posh people like to have their tea leaves past through before they actually drink the stuff.

Follow us on Twitter: @worstfoot @bazmcstay @benvandervelde @lauralexx

055 - PROFESSOR ELEMENTAL - WORLD'S WORST HIP-HOP ALBUM

Pull up a turntable and join us as we cut through the hardy thickets of undergrowth that make up the choices of the world's worst hip-hop album. Joined by the indomitable Professor Elemental - the finest exponent of chap-hop and owner of the world's only monkey butler - we listen to music so asinine, offensive, badly produced and inappropriate that it should be banned by the Geneva Convention. All so you don't have to. On the way we discover the tragi-comic tale of Vanilla Ice, the potty-mouth Little Yachty and why hip-hop stars should never visit Stoke.

Follow us on Twitter: @worstfoot @bazmcstay @benvandervelde @Prof_Elemental

054 - WILL SEAWARD - WORLD'S WORST PIRATE

Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of Cointreau, it’s time for these salty seadogs to tell ye a tale! Gather ye round as Cap’n Will Seaward, comedian and storyteller of yore, is piped aboard the good ship Worst Foot Forward by Cabin Boy Van der Velde and Able Seaman McStay. Avast and away, they set sail in search of treasure, namely the World’s Worst Pirates. But beware! For there be many dragons along the way, including a pirate monk, a man who it is said ate his enemies hearts and even the man who is the reason we wannabe pirates do be talkin’ like this. Take comfort in stories of pirate gayness, hat-bandits and the origin of the word barbecue. AAAARRRRGGGHHH!

Follow us on Twitter: @worstfoot @bazmcstay @benvandervelde @WillSeaward

053 - ANDREW DOYLE - WORLD'S WORST SEQUEL

This week's episode sees us paint with broad brushstrokes as we discuss the world's worst sequel, along with our guest - comedian, writer and Jonathan Pie co-creator - Andrew Doyle. If you've ever loved something and been crushingly disappointed by the follow-up (parents with two offspring will know that feeling) you'll love this episode. We discuss every possible type of sequel: from books to films to popes to wars, political parties, musicals and more.

Follow us on Twitter: @worstfoot @bazmcstay @benvandervelde @andrewdoyle_com

052 - ISZI LAWRENCE - WORLD'S WORST POET

Merry new year to one and all! For our first episode of 2018 we've donned berets, waxed our beards and grabbed the nearest set of tom-toms to share stories of the worst poets in history. Naturally, the king of bad poetry William McGonagall is heavily featured, but we also meet a the Canadian James McIntyre who was quite unreasonably obsessed with cheese and Theophilus Marzials, a man who heard about onomatopoeia once and clearly thought it was the only thing that ever mattered in poetry. We are joined by the erudite Iszi Lawrence - host of the tremendous Z List Dead List podcast and owner of her own tame poet, the marvellous Mr A F Harold.

Follow us on Twitter: @worstfoot @bazmcstay @benvandervelde @Iszi_Lawrence

051 - ALLAN SCOTT DOUGLAS - WORLD'S WORST SANTA

Ho ho ho - but enough naming our garden implements, it’s time for the Worst Foot Forward Christmas Special! Santa himself joins us on the show - or at least, his official body-double does. Yes, actor and professional Father Christmas Allan Scott-Douglas is our guest to tell us wintry tales of the World’s Worst Santa. Allan relates some true tales from backstage at the grotto, Barry takes us through the history of the real Saint Nick and his various hideous European mutations, and Ben introduces us to a goat in sexy red hot pants.

Follow us on Twitter: @worstfoot @bazmcstay @benvandervelde @AlScottDouglas

050 - SAM LEBENS - WORLD'S WORST MESSIAH

It's our fiftieth episode, our golden anniversary and to celebrate, Ben and Barry have got a real rabbi to bless their union. Sam Lebens joins the boys to pray for the coming of the World's Worst Messiah. Barry puts his Jesuit education to good use with stories of Micronesian 'cargo cults', Ben gets down and dirty amidst some Reformation orgies and Sam brings an academic eye to the question 'what makes a good Messiah anyway?'. Tune in for fake Moseses, cannonball catching and sexually-transmitted Antichrists.

Follow us on Twitter: @worstfoot @bazmcstay @benvandervelde

049 - THOM TUCK - WORLD'S WORST GREATEST HITS ALBUM

Join us for a rummage through the bargain basement with actor, sketch performer and 21st century PG Wodehouse character Thom Tuck as we cast our eyes over the world of music to find the Worst Best Of... albums in history. We nerd out over album sequencing, confess to ropey teenage purchases and uncover a particularly grim Elvis cash-in.

Follow us on Twitter: @worstfoot @bazmcstay @benvandervelde @TurlyGod

048 - MASUD MILAS - WORLD'S WORST BLAXPLOITATION MOVIE

*Cue outrageously funky wah-wah pedal and slick hi-hat action* Flick up the collars of your trenchcoat, coiffure your Afro to perfection and get ready to lay some righteous Smackdown on Whitey and the establishment as we join comedian and radio host Masud Milas on a journey into the world of Blaxploitation films. As ever on our search for the worst of all time, we come across all sorts of horrifying wonders, including gay B-Movie Blaxploitation aliens from Mars, Dutch Angles, spitting on graves, pimps and whores galore and Melvin Van Peebles penis. PART 1 [00:00] PART 2 [05:23] What Masud is Worst at in the world PART 3 [07:55] Ben's Choice: Background to Blaxploitation movies African-American Folk Heroes in Literature Gay N****** From Outer Space PART 4 [31:28] Masud's Choice: The Black Gestapo PART 5 [46:28] Barry's Choice: Trailers Pam Grier Dolomite/Rudy Ray Moore Sweet Sweetback's Badasssss Song PART 6 [1:05:06} The Winner World's Worst News

Follow us on Twitter: @worstfoot @bazmcstay @benvandervelde @MasudMilas

047 - SAMANTHA BAINES - WORLD'S WORST SPACE INVENTION

3 - 2 - 1 - LIFT OFF! Whoops, the rocket fell over. Yes, having previously discussed astronauts, we're blasting off to space again in search of the World's Worst Space Invention. Award-winning comedian and actress Samantha Baines (The Crown, Call The Midwife) joins us to share her love of Cox and her insights into sex in space. Meanwhile, Ben pops the hood and looks at the inner workings of the Death Star and Barry talks about THAT pencil story and the terrifying experience of living on Mir.

Follow us on Twitter: @worstfoot @bazmcstay @benvandervelde @samanthabaines

046 - RICHARD MAXTED - WORLD'S WORST COCKTAIL

Ben and Barry are often likened to cocktails - one is a high-baller with a twist and the other is a fruity virgin. So it was only natural that they would seek out the very worst of that particular type of tipple, with a little help from Richard Maxted, mixologist and proprietor of bespoke cocktail purveyors Mix & Muddle. We ask the question 'Who is Tom Collins?', learn the dirty secrets of the dirty martini and marvel at humankind's ingenuity for drinking literally ANYTHING when push comes to shove.

Follow us on Twitter: @worstfoot @bazmcstay @benvandervelde @MixMuddle

045 - ETHAN LAWRENCE - WORLD'S WORST MONARCH

This is one of those episodes we've been looking forward to since the beginning of the podcast. Alongside actor, fellow history nerd and WFF fan Ethan Lawrence we go on a merry journey from China to Egypt, 13th century Bulgaria to 18th century France and finally to frontiersville San Francisco in front of the maddest, baddest, stupidest and occasionally most haplessly charming monarchs. Contained within are stories of men sown into bearskins and chased by wolves, cabbage kings, cannons used as alarm clocks and far too much nonsense about bagpipes.

Follow us on Twitter: @worstfoot @bazmcstay @benvandervelde @EthanDLawrence

044 - RIA LINA - WORLD'S WORST LEGAL DEFENCE

Order in court for this week's episode as we tackle the thorny issues of terrible legal defences. With us is one of our most qualified and talented guests - an expert in forensics, criminology and how to get away with anything, plus a mean performer on the stand-up and cabaret circuit: it's Ria Lina. With Ria's assistance Ben and Barry work out the best way to murder each other and then head onwards to the gnarly thickets of ridiculous legal behaviour. This mega-episode covers a huge amount including trial by combat (and ordeal and poisoned chicken skin) in medieval Europe and 19th century Madagascar, Al Capone's misdeeds in and out of the bedroom and the least plausible heart attack in history.

Follow us on Twitter: @worstfoot @bazmcstay @benvandervelde @RiaLina @ettieBoo

043 - ARCHIE MADDOCKS - WORLD'S WORST PLAYWRIGHT

Curtain up! This week's guest is Archie Maddocks, a stand-up comedian as well as a multi-nominated playwright - his work has been shortlisted for both the highly prestigious Bruntwood Prize and Alfred Fagon Award in 2017. We train both barrels on word-wranglers and script-screwer-uppers as we take on some of the World's Worst Playwrights. Ben gets personal, Barry talks unstageable stage directions and Archie takes down no less than a Nobel Prize winner.

Follow us on Twitter: @worstfoot @bazmcstay @benvandervelde @ArchieMaddocks

042 - LOLO BROW - WORLD'S WORST BURLESQUE

We laid out the green carpet and welcoming the Lizard Queen of British Burlesque Lolo Brow to dish the dirt on the worst burlesque of all time. She's a woman who takes her job very seriously and reveals the challenges, skills, secrets and invention behind becoming a top class performer. Don't worry though, we've also got our usual helping of disaster, including a watery New Orleans show that shocked audiences in the 1940s, the story of the first ever striptease, some truly astonishing chastity pants and all the questions you ever wanted to ask about an elephant's trunk but were too afraid to ask.

Follow us on Twitter: @worstfoot @bazmcstay @benvandervelde @lolobrow

041 - MORGAN & WEST - WORLD'S WORST MAGIC TRICK

Izzy wizzy, let’s get busy with a whole heap of magic and mystery. Ben and Barry are joined by Morgan & West, Time Travelling Magicians, who saw us in half, catch our bullets and pull rabbits from our nether regions in search of the World’s Worst Magic Trick. Among the weird and wonderful sights we behold are an Ancient Egyptian who could separate a goose from its head, a wartime prestidigitator of dubious repute and a whole London cab-full of doves.

Follow us on Twitter: @worstfoot @bazmcstay @benvandervelde @MorganandWest @morganmagic @westmagic

040 - AMELIA WOMACK - WORLD'S WORST ENVIRONMENTALIST

As the storm clouds of climate change begin to whirl around us we thought it was time we talked to an expert who could help us point the finger at the worst environmentalists of all time. We uncovered hapless inventors, murderers with good(ish) intentions and extremely poor doings involving anyone called Nigel. Our guest and guide through these choppy waters is Amelia Womack, the Deputy Leader of the UK Green Party.

Follow us on Twitter: @worstfoot @bazmcstay @benvandervelde @Amelia_Womack