For reasons best explained by our psychiatrists, we've decided to take the funniest topics from episodes 1-16 and put them out as a "Best of" episode for your amusement. Included in this compilation are comedic highlights from our chats about immortality, serial killers, escaping a terrorist, and more.
016 - I FEEL SORRY FOR SMELLS
So here we are, the final episode - and we’re really pushing the boat out. This week, Kelvin’s asking the questions, so expect a thorough interrogation of Crease’s body, and a pedantic dissection of the best alien. Then the listeners pose us some questions, and to win one final, petty argument, Kelvin must smell Crease.
015 - YOU WON'T FORGET THIS ANECDOTE
Crease has some questions about Bigfoot. and Kelvin treats them with all the contempt they deserve. Then Crease treats Kelvin with all the contempt he deserves. However, it’s the final topic, when Kelvin relays an anecdote so embarrassing and bizarre that Crease invents a new noise, where things really fall apart.
014 - THIS WALL OF SPIKES COULD SAVE THEM ALL
This week we're taking a journey through time and dubious dentistry. And to round out the episode, Crease has a philosophical question for us… Until Kelvin springs a trap.
013 - THE LAST PANDA
In a bold change of format, we've invited our good friend, Paddy, to join us for an episode - and our listeners provide the questions. This ends in the only way it ever could; with our appearances horribly insulted and a panda shot dead.
012 - WELCOME TO THE EMPORIUM
After coming together to help a trapped cow, Kelvin and Crease find reasons to disagree about cage fighting children and the definition of a sport. Crease also explores the possibility of witnessing his own funeral, and Kelvin explores the possibility of opening his own Evil Shop.
011 - CASPER'S CHRISTMAS SPECIAL
An unconventional episode, as we're Crease-less this Christmas. But with Crease unable to co-host this seasonal treat, we’re instead joined by a hilarious caller, Jordan (aka Fry), who quickly forces Kelvin to throw his best laid plans out the window.
010 - LIVING WITH THE DUKE
Crease has a solution to mankind’s reliance on technology, and Kelvin wants him to know it’s very stupid indeed. Luckily, there's nothing stupid about what follows: Kelvin escaping from armed kidnappers, and sixty nuns pleasing the pope. Thank God we have The Duke to lift our spirits.
009 - GOOD RIDDANCE TO BAD ATLANTIS
Should we be eating meat? It’s a thorny subject, and confronted by his own hypocrisy, Kelvin blames the animals.
Still, at the very least he thinks Crease has some interesting questions this week. It’s a shame, then, that the last question is so spectacularly idiotic that it makes everyone stupider.
008 - HE'D QUITE LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH HIMSELF
From our plans for the apocalypse, to humankind’s prospects in the far reaches of space, this episode suggests we’re in trouble on pretty much every scale.
We also discuss - and then have to attempt - a "controlled stabbing", before Crease struggles to comprehend why Kelvin wants to have sex with himself. The usual nonsense, but this week, we actually roll around on the floor while we stab each other.
007 - THE SEXY SEA DRAGON
This episode covers a range of topics, from sexy sea dragons, to a death pact that ends badly no matter who survives. However, our conversation about useless super-powers gets interrupted by a call from one of our listeners, “Kittens”, who has a distinctive way of describing things - much to Kelvin’s frustration.
006 - REMEMBER WHAT A BIRD IS
Sensitive soul, Crease, wants us to estimate how many animals we’ve inadvertently killed. Whereas, pedantic soul, Kelvin, thinks he has a better question. After that, we demoralise crap ghosts, design the perfect genitals… and Kelvin thoroughly dismantles The Walrus Topic.
005 - IT DESTROYS THE MIND
Crease has murdered someone. Dramatic pause. That’s the hypothetical situation he poses at the start of this week’s episode. But it’s when Kelvin explains why he, personally, couldn’t kill anyone, that things really come off the rails. Later, Kelvin is incredibly rude to some listeners who call in to the show, and Crease asks, unrelatedly, whether we need to start giving ourselves a positive PR spin.
004 - THIS BABY IS REVOLTING
This episode, we discuss the possibility of planes not being real and of Jesus being a gigantic, depraved maniac. Fine. But it’s when Crease broaches the topic of babies that he unleashes an anger in Kelvin that cannot be contained.
003 - STRAIGHT TALKING CANNIBALS
We’ve held off for three episodes; but it’s time for us to discuss the selection process for cannibalism.
We also have a chat about a bizarre local event that’s taking place, and address a handful of topics from the listeners - for context, we should probably point out that the show was originally recorded live for online radio.
So, is Kelvin’s opinion on yogurt really more controversial than [REDACTED]?
002 - SAVING A FRIEND THAT DOESN'T EXIST
The episode begins with Crease vividly describing the fantastical thing he did at work, bringing new life into this world via a cow’s vagina.
After that, Kelvin shows a bizarre level of contempt for both science *and* magic, and the two of us have an argument about who matters more in a rescue attempt; the hostage or Kelvin.
001 - AN IDIOT INVENTS A FILM FOR KIDS
In our first episode, Crease asks Kelvin to invent his own children’s film. But Kelvin overthinks the question. Or underthinks it, when you consider the film he comes up with.
There’s also a discussion about the downsides of immortality, and an attempt to judge some thoroughly pathetic monsters. Perhaps most telling, though, is that we can’t even agree on the title of the very first topic.