136 - PROFESSOR CHUCK TURTLEMAN'S GUIDE TO THE MARVEL UNIVERSE

Featuring: Booze, Chuck Turtleman, Belasco

Hello Listeners with Good Taste,

We finally finished this episode after a particularly nasty attempt at sabotage. We’re not pointing any fingers (Turtleman), but someone didn’t record they’re side of the conversation.  Maybe it was alternate-universe Dr. P.  Either way, despite some sound issues, the episode is here!

This episode, we welcome back our old friend Bane (off of Batman)!  We catch up with what’s going on his life and get some top-quality life advice.  Later Belasco subjects noted “toy-movie” hater, Professor Chuck Turtleman, to the Marvel Cinematic Universe.  Turtleman begins his journey with Iron Man (2008) and he better damn-well like it.  We’ll give Neil deGrasse Tyson

Belasco gets a bug up his butt (#belascopath) and admonishes you listeners about taking a joke too far.  A school system decides that maybe spanking students (#belascopath) isn’t the most effective form of discipline.  An unrelated student decides that the “Jedi Way” means he won’t fight back against bullies (#belascopath).  And, a Chinese Chinacouple have to be taught the correct way to increase the size of their family (#guess).

All this and more, so stick it in your ears, honkies!

135 - NAZI WRESTLERS FROM SLAUGHTER HIGH!

Featuring: Booze, Chuck Turtleman, Belasco

Hello Honkey Persons!

In this episode we get a visit from our friend Dickie!  Dickie has a Star Wars quiz that’s sure to challenge and intrigue even the most hard-core Belascopath -er- fan.  

But it’s not all fun and games. Serious talks are held on whether or not Prince William has ever eaten a hotdog.  Booze comes to realize why Britain is suffering from cultural decline. We dig up further examples of film actors who should have taken the “Accent Master Class”. You’ll hear about an amateur entertainer who gets in trouble for being a poor role-model for the kids. And, Turtleman tells us about a would-be thrift store shopper’s dream find.

All this, and a brand new original song from Booze dedicated to a true humanitarian.

So stick it in your ears because this one’s going into the Podcast Hall of Fame, Honkeys!

134 - GUESS WHO'S BACK?

Featuring: Booze, Chuck Turtleman, Belasco

(It’s Belasco. Belasco’s Back!)

Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat’s up, my honkies?

In this actually legitimately very special episode of the Sweet Feathery Jesus Podcast, we welcome back our old friend, colleague and host, Belasco. That’s right… we got the band back together!

As befits the occasion, this is a feature length episode, aided in it’s longevity by Belasco’s explanation of where the hell he’s been all this time. Not to mention an ill conceived & poorly moderated quiz about the Korean music scene which did go on a bit.

We find out what Belasco thought of Star The Last Jedi Wars, who would win a fight out of a massive crocodile and a tiny Yorkshire terrier, and just which SFJ cast member is the freakiest in the sheets. I wonder if you can guess.

We also pay tribute to a sweet, sweet handsome lady who featured in a News Round a while back, who sadly passed away recently. Well, about a year ago, but we didn’t notice. Rest in peace.

All this, plus Burt Reynolds, some very impressive dog whispering, and a mysterious incident involving a young Chuck Turtleman, a bath, and Cornelius out of Planet of the Apes’s trousers.

So stick it in your ear, dummy!

133 - A$$ DEFENDER!

On this long-awaited episode, the guys catch us up on what all has happened since the last recording. Which was in 2017 and we apologize for that. But lots has been going on. Booze has moved from the city of London, England to the slow-paced country life of Camburenshire, Chuck has experienced loss, and Dickie has taken up swimming with the elderly. We stick with our theme of change as we take the News Copter up to have a look at what the guy who used to play Barney the dinosaur is up to now, and find out whatever became of a fellow who sold bouncy castles in England. All this, a true crime Pants News segment, 6 months worth of Take a Break magazines and more, so stick us in your earholes!

132 - DON'T PLAY ON THAT RACIST STATUE, ZEBULON!

Featuring: Beardo, Booze, Chuck Turtleman

Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat’s up, my honkies?

In this very special episode of the Sweet Feathery Jesus Podcast, we ask why people seem to hate statues all of a sudden, why nobody seems to be able to create a convincing trouser out of bronze, and why our old pal Dickie spends so much time hanging around antique fair toilets.

Then you can join in our fun new quiz… Harry Potter or Harry Notter! If you’re an adult, you won’t know whether these characters are actually from Harry Potter or if Booze made them up. Because Harry Potter is for children. Even if they tried putting a photo of a steam train on the cover instead of a cartoon wizard to make it seem less embarrassing for anyone over the age of 9 to be caught reading. But it’s fun to guess!

All this, plus trouser action as a pair catches fire in a court of law, the worlds of Hip-Hop and old Korean Chinaladies colliding, and the usual, in your face, unapologetic #feminism. And if you can’t handle it, well, that’s your problem, buster!

So retreat to your safe space and stick us in your ear. But please make sure you keep us at a sensible volume.

131 - QUIZ SHARKS

Featuring: Beardo, Booze, Chuck Turtleman

Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat’s up, my honkies? SFJ is back!

On the long-awaited episode 131, Booze finally gets his Internet back off of Richard Branston and celebrates with an all new game show quiz about Films & Horses!

It might be the most confusing quiz ever created & certainly isn’t helped by the constant undermining of the umpire.  But you can be the judge. Because we could definitely do with one to keep track of what the hell is going on.

Not to be outdone, Professor Chuck Turtleman has a new quiz of his own.  Which may or may not be about guns and animals again. (It is).

Also, we have a new guest this week -Dickie Southdown!  He teaches us how to do an incredibly accurate Michael Caine (or Gene Wilder) impression. Try it at home. It’s fun! 

All this, plus Take a Break, an action packed, goose-filled News Round and we watch all four Jaws movies!

Just when you thought it was safe to stick us back in your ear holes.

130 - THE PIE IS A LIE!

Featuring: Beardo, Booze, Chuck Turtleman

Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat’s up, my honkies?

In this very special edition of the Sweet Feathery Jesus podcast, we try to answer the questions that everybody is asking in these turbulent times.

Who would win a fight out of deceased rhyming lawyer Johnny Cochran and extremely old cooking lady Mary Berry from the Great British Cake Bake programme? (What’s up, Mary?)

Is leaving half an onion by the side of your bed a more effective cure for a gallbladder infection than writing to a doctor lady in a monthly magazine?

What were the names of Chuck’s Grandad’s two monkeys again?

Who the hell is Dudie Spangler?

Also, our old friend Dickie joins us LIVE on the podcast! He’s watched the Taken TV show, and tells us all about it, at great great length, so you don’t have to bother.

Plus… Beardo soils himself, we objectify the heck out of some sexy firemen & then we somehow manage to link Brexit to monkeys & do a song about it.

So hang your hat on an expensive bent stick, pour yourself a delicious cup of bone juice & stick us in your ear. No, not that one. The other one.

129 - JOHN DANIEL WAS A GOOD MONKEY

Featuring: Beardo, Booze, Chuck Turtleman

… But was he the best monkey ever?

Whaaaaaaat’s Up, my honkies? In this very special return to podcasting podcast, we get right back to the Sweet feathery Jesus basics. Monkeys & the people of the Chinese China-regions!

John Daniel was a gorilla from Gabon who left his African troubles behind and came to live in England during the glorious reign of Queen Victoria. What a lucky monkey! He drank hard cider, went to posh dinner parties and really really liked watching those guys that fix shoes. Cobblers? No… it’s all true, I tell ya!

We also examine the media’s obsession with attractive young lady teachers who seduce their pupils (that’s right… the MEDIA’S obsession with that. Not ours), and Chuck Turtleman takes to the virtual skies to report on two very different sets of fathers and sons. One family share their collection of China China sex dolls. The other manages to have a violent fight over an onion (some say layer fruit).

Oh, and this podcast also features REAL MERMAIDS!

So lube up your legs, pull on your $3,500 fish tail and stick us in your Victorian ear trumpet!

128 - PUPPY LOVE

Featuring: Beardo, Booze, Chuck Turtleman

Whaaaaaaat’s Up, my honkies? In this very special episode of the Sweet Feathery Jesus Podcast, we put the monkeys to one side for a while and concentrate on our canine chums. Yes, this episode features not one, but TWO news stories about dogs! Well, one dog, and a lady who pretends to be one for the purposes of her public loveplay. As feminists, we support her right to do whatever she wants, the silly cow.

Also, we ask all the big questions. What ladies magazine features killer moths this month? What household appliance should you never hide your next door neighbo(u)r’s hair manipulation device in? And is Ali Bongo the only African leader named after a British magician popular in the last century, or is Paul Daniels now the president of Equatorial Guinea?

All this, a top of the range 8GB Chinese China Translation Machine, Rita Ora, and the most romantic board game related marriage proposal you’ll have heard so far this year.

So, woof woof, woof woof, woof!*

*(stick us in your ears!) 

127 - CHRISTMAS EVE CHINESE!

Featuring: Beardo, Booze, Chuck Turtleman

Whaaaaaaat’s Up, my ho ho honkies? In this very special Christmas and New Year Special, we find a slightly refreshed Chuck Turtleman in the middle of celebrating some BIG NEWS. Let’s just say that sleigh bells aren’t the only bells that feature on this podcast!

We put our feminist (Christmas) hats on to review the Bumper festive issues of some ladies periodicals and look at the yuletide video from R&B songstress Rita Ora, who is even more scantily clad than usual. And so empowered her top has fallen off.

Chuck takes up his reindeer-powered, holly-bedecked news copter, the boys pay their traditional musical tribute to Friendzone Frank with an old fashioned singalong to a Christmas classic (in which Turtleman inexplicably turns into a pirate), and we ask the big Xmas question… Is it ever okay to glue bees to the Baby Jesus?

All that, Dickie’s Christmas poem, Xmas Pants News, a Sprout Update, and a couple of numbers from YouTube sensation and Malcolm Gladwell disprover Stefano (“Stefano!”) in this all singing, all dancing, all hissing Christmas special!

It’s the most wonderful time of the ear. So stick us in yours!

126 - THE NAUGHTIEST LEADER

Featuring: Beardo, Booze, Chuck Turtleman

Whaaaaaat’s up, my honkies? In this very special episode, the fellows from your computer/smart phone/ tablet-shaped information device/ fridge delve into the recent democratic disarray.

In this auditory extravaganza, you’ll be pleased to hear that Chuck Turtleman has finally solved the problem of the hiss emanating from his 19th-century podcasting set-up, by drowning it out with an even louder annoying buzz. As well as a great deal of background canine cacophony, and North Carolina’s loudest fish tank.

The gentlemen get discursive about tiresome podcast sound effects, the inflatable multi-octave R&B songstress, Mariah Carey (who almost married the owner of the tiny island of Australia), and Booze insults our brave Paralympians by confusing them with our brave Specialympians. Or Exceptiolympians, or whatever we’re supposed to call them now.

All that, Pants News, Idiots of Twitter, and lots of amazing alliteration (and awesome assonance), in this very special episode of the Sweet Feathery Jesus Podcast. So stick it in your ear-holes, you lazy asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk,* and leave us a rating and review on iTunes.

P.s., Beardo may have had a few daytime beverages throughout the course of this recording, and, as a result, he’s even more passionate than ever (particularly towards the end of this episode).

*Beardo wrote something very rude here, but Booze edited it out. He’s a professional.

125 - THE 2016 HALLOWEEN SPECIAL!

Featuring: Beardo, Booze, Chuck Turtleman

Whaaaaat’s up, my honkies? The boys are back in town, and one of them has managed to convince someone to marry him. Spoiler alert: it’s neither Chuck nor Beardo. Also, this is our very special halloween special, but somehow, no-one remembered to include any halloweeny content, or mention halloween in any way, shape or form. Instead, Chuck and Booze reminisce fondly about Booze’s sham of a wedding, and the first time that they have ever locked (bog)eyes in real life. The gentlemen compete as to their proficiency on wind instruments (that’s not a euphemism), and also discuss some Pants News (because “pants seldom let you down when you need ‘em”). What else? Oh, just psychotic China Leaders, smoking monkeys & some Idiots of Social Networking. You know. The usual.

So don’t be a massive “silly billy”*. Stop complaining, you dirty little fart-sniffer. It’s SFJ, and it’s back, bitches. 

So turn all the lights off, pull the curtains, and eat all the fun-sized Mars bars yourself while you stick us in your ears. Happy Halloween, my honkies!

 

*Beardo wrote ‘cunt’ here, but Booze changed it to ‘silly billy’.

124 - SEASON 2 FINALE - CONSPIRACIES! (AND MONKEYS)

Featuring: Booze, Chuck Turtleman, Beardo

Whaaaaat’s up, my honkies?! This week we have conspired to bring you a very, very special episode of SFJ… it’s our Season 2 finale (some say finalé)!

This episode is all about conspiracies, or, in the words of Winston Churchill, “a riddle, wrapped in an enigma, inside a monkey”.

As we all know, 9/11 was an inside job, and we get the inside scoop on how it was (probably) all planned out. Chuck is curious about children’s clothing, Beardo brings us an episode from his critically acclaimed Beardo’s True Conspiracies from Australian History, and Booze surprises us with a secret quiz!

So stick us in your mystery holes, my honkies, and enjoy this very special Sweet Feathery Jesus Podcast!

Post scriptum:

We’re taking a brief hiatus over the summer. But don’t worry, Professor Chuck Turtleman will soon be launching a brand new (and very special) Idiots of Facebook Podcast, which will begin by featuring the best of our favourite Idiots, such as Duct Tape Lisa and Friend Zone Frank (yaaaay!). 
Post Post scriptum:

Keep up with all the Summer fun by joining the Sweet Feathery Jesus gang in the very special secret closed Facebook (letters FB) group. Our dedicated team of archivists post all the action from our favourite Idiots, plus all the monkey and Chinese Chinapeople stories that cross the news wires. Befriend Beardo Bearington, send him a message, and he’ll let you enter his portal.

123 - WE ARE ALL WINNERS!

Featuring: Booze, Chuck Turtleman, Beardo

Whaaaat’s up, my honkies?

In this moderately special episode of the Sweet Feathery Jesus podcast, we finally hire a young Chinese China Engineer kid off of Craiglist (some say Creggslist) to sort out Chuck Turtleman’s sound. He couldn’t get rid of the hiss, but blimey, he works cheap.

Booze is horrified by his old school’s new motto, Beardo speaks some posh Latin, and Chuck uses his famous felon judging skills on the exciting new gameshow… What Did The Naughty Man Do?

All this, some Chinese Chinapeople getting scammed by fake jellyfish, some 1950’s French people getting punk’d by the CIA, and Frank leaving his apartment to visit the big city. Which does not go well.

So stick us in your ear, my special little snowflake.

122 - THE ITALIAN-OFF!

Featuring: Booze, Chuck Turtleman, Beardo

Whaaaat’s up, my honkies?

Long time listeners will know that a certain member of the Sweet Feathery Jesus cast has always had a fraught relationship with technology. Won’t say which, but his name rhymes with “Buck Burtleman”.

Long story short, something went wrong with the recording on “Buck”’s end, meaning that we had to use our back­up Skype recording. Thanks to Skype being a bit rubbish, Booze sounded like he was shouting through a megaphone, Beardo seemed to be whispering from the West Wing of his mansion, & Turtleman was obscured by a wall of hiss (no change there, then.)

We had to remix it with brute force just so we were all audible, meaning it ended up sounding like it’d been dredged up after 40 years on the bottom of the ocean, transferred onto a wax cylinder, smashed into a thousand pieces, sellotaped back together, then played back through a pair of Beats headphones.

Never mind, though. On this very special, very terrible sounding SFJ podcast, you will (sort of) hear us go head to head (to head) to find out who can do the most perfect Italian accent, meet a Tiger Whisperer who should’ve spoken up a bit, and discover which country has the worst Netflix choices in the whole world. And no toilet paper.

Also, our favourite Idiot of Facebook, Friendzone Frank, finally gets his big break in Hollywood! But can’t be bothered to turn up.

So stick us in your ear, my nipples. Just pretend it’s a bootleg or something.

121 - CURSE OF THE WEREPANTHER!

Featuring: Booze, Chuck Turtleman, Beardo

Beware the moon, my honkies!

On this really rather special episode of the SFJ podcast, we travel to deepest darkest Worcestershire in search of the mythical badly drawn werepanther / bin bag that stalks the land and haunts the dreams of children. And also because we really want to hear Chuck Turtleman try to pronounce “Worcestershire”.

Beardo is back from getting married (sorry, ladies and hunky beefcakes), and we find out all about the poshest Australian wedding of the century in  a very very in-depth SFJ Special Report. Concentrating mainly on his trousers.

We also make a record breaking attempt to decipher the badly spelled, chemical enhanced status updates of not one, not two, but THREE Idiots of Facebook on one podcast. They said it couldn’t be done!

All this, and Booze doing a Scotch accent that will, quite frankly, knock your socks off and make them fly across the room. Eat your heart out, Mel Gibbons.

So stick us in your ear, stick to the roads, and keep off the moors.

*This podcast is not available in the North Carolina branch of iTunes

120 - PANTS NEWS!

Featuring: Booze, Chuck Turtleman

Whaaaat’s up, my honkies?

On this extremely special episode of the SFJ podcast, Chuck Turtleman brings us his exciting new segment… Pants News!

Now, calm down, non-American ladies and hunky beefcakes. Chuck is talking about trousers, not knickers. And also,what he actually brings us is facts about pants, not news. So this segment, and this entire podcast, should really be called Pants Facts! But he’s made a jingle now.

Meanwhile, Idiot of Facebook Frank is earning his title by loudly proclaiming that he’s trimming his Friends list. Oh no! Will SFJ make the cut? Frank has also joined some (free) dating websites. It would be a shame if some unscrupulous person who may or may not be a Sweet Feathery Jesus listener found his dating profile.

Oh, and Frank is definitely NOT gay. Got it?

All this, and an answer to the big questions. Is dumpy despot Kim Jong-Il Jr really DTF in the Grand Poonyang Hotel? And do you still have to dismantle your white male privilege if you were one of those kids born without a nose?

So stick us in your ear and don’t forget to hit us up on Yik-Yak, Friend-O or Squiddly Diddly.

#1969not1836

119 - BATH TIME FOR BILLY

Featuring: Booze, Chuck Turtleman

Whaaaat’s up, my honkies?

On this very special episode of the SFJ podcast, we catch up with Idiot of Facebook Lisa Br(BEEEP)do. Lisa claims to be the daughter of famous Godfather actor Marlon Br(BEEEP)do, and has taken his surname, but to protect her anonymity, we never reveal it on the podcast.

Lisa is now an artist, creating wonderful works in many mediums, most of which seem to appear when you do a reverse DuckDuckGo image search, for some reason. Now Lisa has been approached by a VERY famous auction house and is selling some of her pieces. It’s all very exciting. Especially for her boyfriend Billy, who sure does love her, according to his Facebook account. Which may or may not be maintained exclusively by Lisa. (It is).

We investigate whether badly-spelled pop star Zayn Malik’s crippling pickled egg addiction was the real reason for his split from The One Direction, wonder how many Chinese China strippers we’d need to hire to get anyone to turn up to our funerals, and try to locate Kim Jong Il Jr’s missing submarine before nanny gives him his bath.

All this, and an SFJ Special Report into whether the monkeys of the Republic of the Republic of Guinea really believe in God, & why they’d think he’s such a fan of rudimentary masonry work.

So run yourself a nice deep bath, have a loved one bring you a big plate of chicken wings but DO NOT, I repeat DO NOT stick us in your ear.
Please make sure your podcast delivery device of choice is placed a safe distance away from the bathtub. You don’t want to tempt fate.

118 - FRANK'S UNDERWATER LOVE LETTER

Featuring: Booze, Chuck Turtleman, Beardo

Whaaaat’s up, my honkies?

On this extra-special episode of the SFJ podcast, we see a new side of our favourite Idiot of Facebook, Frank. And, as we’ve seen his penis, we didn’t think there were many new sides left to see. Frank reveals a love letter he received about a decade ago, from a lady who may or may not have been a mermaid. With a very low megapixel cameraphone.

Oh, & our other favourite Idiot Lisa sings us a beautiful song, after which all her celebrity friends line up to tell her how great it was.

Beardo is back to tell us what happened on his in-no-way-highly-suspicious-not-that-there’s-anything-wrong-with-that-anyway all-male super fun weekend. Are these tame anecdotes REALLY the best things that happened in the whole 72 hours? Or does what happened in the YMCA, STAY in the YMCA?

All this, tougher sentences for children, a fish that STILL isn’t biting gentlemens’ bits and bobs, and in-depth coverage of one of Jennifer Lopez’s testicles.

So pull on your internet wetsuit, spit in your mask and stick us in your snorkel.

Dive! Dive! Dive!