138 - POO MOON

Sometimes it’s tough to know what to do.  For example, what would you do if you were trying to slice a pizza with a filet knife and see your dog defecating on itself?  We think stabbing your spouse should be pretty far down on the list of options, but that’s exactly what one lady does in our Top-of-the-Show News Round segment.  There’s also some lovely, not self-absorbed people  showing off their wealth on Instagram.  Meanwhile, some officials in China are discussing building a new Chinese China-moon.  Yes, a moon.

We’ll meet a hip-hop fan named Shaq who is trying to broaden his musical horizons by listening to Metallica.  That’s tough!   Also, Booze invites us to “Take a Break” with the Bald and the Beautiful, Beardo checks in and shares a recent family tragedy, and Belasco tries (again) to get everyone else to share in his personal obsession with the least sexy adult film ever created – now on Blu-Ray!

Later, Prof. Chuck Turtleman’s Guide to the Marvel Universes reviews “Iron Man 2”.  Let’s just say that it’s probably better that Stan Lee is no longer able to hear it.

Stick this one in your noggin because it’s a good one.


Featuring: Beardo, Booze, Chuck Turtleman

Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat’s up, my honkies?

In this very special episode of the Sweet Feathery Jesus Podcast, we ask why people seem to hate statues all of a sudden, why nobody seems to be able to create a convincing trouser out of bronze, and why our old pal Dickie spends so much time hanging around antique fair toilets.

Then you can join in our fun new quiz… Harry Potter or Harry Notter! If you’re an adult, you won’t know whether these characters are actually from Harry Potter or if Booze made them up. Because Harry Potter is for children. Even if they tried putting a photo of a steam train on the cover instead of a cartoon wizard to make it seem less embarrassing for anyone over the age of 9 to be caught reading. But it’s fun to guess!

All this, plus trouser action as a pair catches fire in a court of law, the worlds of Hip-Hop and old Korean Chinaladies colliding, and the usual, in your face, unapologetic #feminism. And if you can’t handle it, well, that’s your problem, buster!

So retreat to your safe space and stick us in your ear. But please make sure you keep us at a sensible volume.


Featuring: Beardo, Booze, Chuck Turtleman

Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat’s up, my honkies? SFJ is back!

On the long-awaited episode 131, Booze finally gets his Internet back off of Richard Branston and celebrates with an all new game show quiz about Films & Horses!

It might be the most confusing quiz ever created & certainly isn’t helped by the constant undermining of the umpire.  But you can be the judge. Because we could definitely do with one to keep track of what the hell is going on.

Not to be outdone, Professor Chuck Turtleman has a new quiz of his own.  Which may or may not be about guns and animals again. (It is).

Also, we have a new guest this week -Dickie Southdown!  He teaches us how to do an incredibly accurate Michael Caine (or Gene Wilder) impression. Try it at home. It’s fun! 

All this, plus Take a Break, an action packed, goose-filled News Round and we watch all four Jaws movies!

Just when you thought it was safe to stick us back in your ear holes.


Featuring: Beardo, Booze, Chuck Turtleman

Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat’s up, my honkies?

In this very special edition of the Sweet Feathery Jesus podcast, we try to answer the questions that everybody is asking in these turbulent times.

Who would win a fight out of deceased rhyming lawyer Johnny Cochran and extremely old cooking lady Mary Berry from the Great British Cake Bake programme? (What’s up, Mary?)

Is leaving half an onion by the side of your bed a more effective cure for a gallbladder infection than writing to a doctor lady in a monthly magazine?

What were the names of Chuck’s Grandad’s two monkeys again?

Who the hell is Dudie Spangler?

Also, our old friend Dickie joins us LIVE on the podcast! He’s watched the Taken TV show, and tells us all about it, at great great length, so you don’t have to bother.

Plus… Beardo soils himself, we objectify the heck out of some sexy firemen & then we somehow manage to link Brexit to monkeys & do a song about it.

So hang your hat on an expensive bent stick, pour yourself a delicious cup of bone juice & stick us in your ear. No, not that one. The other one.


Featuring: Beardo, Booze, Chuck Turtleman

… But was he the best monkey ever?

Whaaaaaaat’s Up, my honkies? In this very special return to podcasting podcast, we get right back to the Sweet feathery Jesus basics. Monkeys & the people of the Chinese China-regions!

John Daniel was a gorilla from Gabon who left his African troubles behind and came to live in England during the glorious reign of Queen Victoria. What a lucky monkey! He drank hard cider, went to posh dinner parties and really really liked watching those guys that fix shoes. Cobblers? No… it’s all true, I tell ya!

We also examine the media’s obsession with attractive young lady teachers who seduce their pupils (that’s right… the MEDIA’S obsession with that. Not ours), and Chuck Turtleman takes to the virtual skies to report on two very different sets of fathers and sons. One family share their collection of China China sex dolls. The other manages to have a violent fight over an onion (some say layer fruit).

Oh, and this podcast also features REAL MERMAIDS!

So lube up your legs, pull on your $3,500 fish tail and stick us in your Victorian ear trumpet!


Featuring: Beardo, Booze, Chuck Turtleman

Whaaaaaaat’s Up, my honkies? In this very special episode of the Sweet Feathery Jesus Podcast, we put the monkeys to one side for a while and concentrate on our canine chums. Yes, this episode features not one, but TWO news stories about dogs! Well, one dog, and a lady who pretends to be one for the purposes of her public loveplay. As feminists, we support her right to do whatever she wants, the silly cow.

Also, we ask all the big questions. What ladies magazine features killer moths this month? What household appliance should you never hide your next door neighbo(u)r’s hair manipulation device in? And is Ali Bongo the only African leader named after a British magician popular in the last century, or is Paul Daniels now the president of Equatorial Guinea?

All this, a top of the range 8GB Chinese China Translation Machine, Rita Ora, and the most romantic board game related marriage proposal you’ll have heard so far this year.

So, woof woof, woof woof, woof!*

*(stick us in your ears!) 


Featuring: Beardo, Booze, Chuck Turtleman

Whaaaaaaat’s Up, my ho ho honkies? In this very special Christmas and New Year Special, we find a slightly refreshed Chuck Turtleman in the middle of celebrating some BIG NEWS. Let’s just say that sleigh bells aren’t the only bells that feature on this podcast!

We put our feminist (Christmas) hats on to review the Bumper festive issues of some ladies periodicals and look at the yuletide video from R&B songstress Rita Ora, who is even more scantily clad than usual. And so empowered her top has fallen off.

Chuck takes up his reindeer-powered, holly-bedecked news copter, the boys pay their traditional musical tribute to Friendzone Frank with an old fashioned singalong to a Christmas classic (in which Turtleman inexplicably turns into a pirate), and we ask the big Xmas question… Is it ever okay to glue bees to the Baby Jesus?

All that, Dickie’s Christmas poem, Xmas Pants News, a Sprout Update, and a couple of numbers from YouTube sensation and Malcolm Gladwell disprover Stefano (“Stefano!”) in this all singing, all dancing, all hissing Christmas special!

It’s the most wonderful time of the ear. So stick us in yours!


Featuring: Beardo, Booze, Chuck Turtleman

Whaaaaaat’s up, my honkies? In this very special episode, the fellows from your computer/smart phone/ tablet-shaped information device/ fridge delve into the recent democratic disarray.

In this auditory extravaganza, you’ll be pleased to hear that Chuck Turtleman has finally solved the problem of the hiss emanating from his 19th-century podcasting set-up, by drowning it out with an even louder annoying buzz. As well as a great deal of background canine cacophony, and North Carolina’s loudest fish tank.

The gentlemen get discursive about tiresome podcast sound effects, the inflatable multi-octave R&B songstress, Mariah Carey (who almost married the owner of the tiny island of Australia), and Booze insults our brave Paralympians by confusing them with our brave Specialympians. Or Exceptiolympians, or whatever we’re supposed to call them now.

All that, Pants News, Idiots of Twitter, and lots of amazing alliteration (and awesome assonance), in this very special episode of the Sweet Feathery Jesus Podcast. So stick it in your ear-holes, you lazy asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk,* and leave us a rating and review on iTunes.

P.s., Beardo may have had a few daytime beverages throughout the course of this recording, and, as a result, he’s even more passionate than ever (particularly towards the end of this episode).

*Beardo wrote something very rude here, but Booze edited it out. He’s a professional.


Featuring: Beardo, Booze, Chuck Turtleman

Whaaaaat’s up, my honkies? The boys are back in town, and one of them has managed to convince someone to marry him. Spoiler alert: it’s neither Chuck nor Beardo. Also, this is our very special halloween special, but somehow, no-one remembered to include any halloweeny content, or mention halloween in any way, shape or form. Instead, Chuck and Booze reminisce fondly about Booze’s sham of a wedding, and the first time that they have ever locked (bog)eyes in real life. The gentlemen compete as to their proficiency on wind instruments (that’s not a euphemism), and also discuss some Pants News (because “pants seldom let you down when you need ‘em”). What else? Oh, just psychotic China Leaders, smoking monkeys & some Idiots of Social Networking. You know. The usual.

So don’t be a massive “silly billy”*. Stop complaining, you dirty little fart-sniffer. It’s SFJ, and it’s back, bitches. 

So turn all the lights off, pull the curtains, and eat all the fun-sized Mars bars yourself while you stick us in your ears. Happy Halloween, my honkies!


*Beardo wrote ‘cunt’ here, but Booze changed it to ‘silly billy’.


Featuring: Booze, Chuck Turtleman, Beardo

Whaaaaat’s up, my honkies?! This week we have conspired to bring you a very, very special episode of SFJ… it’s our Season 2 finale (some say finalé)!

This episode is all about conspiracies, or, in the words of Winston Churchill, “a riddle, wrapped in an enigma, inside a monkey”.

As we all know, 9/11 was an inside job, and we get the inside scoop on how it was (probably) all planned out. Chuck is curious about children’s clothing, Beardo brings us an episode from his critically acclaimed Beardo’s True Conspiracies from Australian History, and Booze surprises us with a secret quiz!

So stick us in your mystery holes, my honkies, and enjoy this very special Sweet Feathery Jesus Podcast!

Post scriptum:

We’re taking a brief hiatus over the summer. But don’t worry, Professor Chuck Turtleman will soon be launching a brand new (and very special) Idiots of Facebook Podcast, which will begin by featuring the best of our favourite Idiots, such as Duct Tape Lisa and Friend Zone Frank (yaaaay!). 
Post Post scriptum:

Keep up with all the Summer fun by joining the Sweet Feathery Jesus gang in the very special secret closed Facebook (letters FB) group. Our dedicated team of archivists post all the action from our favourite Idiots, plus all the monkey and Chinese Chinapeople stories that cross the news wires. Befriend Beardo Bearington, send him a message, and he’ll let you enter his portal.


Featuring: Booze, Chuck Turtleman, Beardo

Whaaaat’s up, my honkies?

In this moderately special episode of the Sweet Feathery Jesus podcast, we finally hire a young Chinese China Engineer kid off of Craiglist (some say Creggslist) to sort out Chuck Turtleman’s sound. He couldn’t get rid of the hiss, but blimey, he works cheap.

Booze is horrified by his old school’s new motto, Beardo speaks some posh Latin, and Chuck uses his famous felon judging skills on the exciting new gameshow… What Did The Naughty Man Do?

All this, some Chinese Chinapeople getting scammed by fake jellyfish, some 1950’s French people getting punk’d by the CIA, and Frank leaving his apartment to visit the big city. Which does not go well.

So stick us in your ear, my special little snowflake.


Featuring: Booze, Chuck Turtleman, Beardo

Whaaaat’s up, my honkies?

Long time listeners will know that a certain member of the Sweet Feathery Jesus cast has always had a fraught relationship with technology. Won’t say which, but his name rhymes with “Buck Burtleman”.

Long story short, something went wrong with the recording on “Buck”’s end, meaning that we had to use our back­up Skype recording. Thanks to Skype being a bit rubbish, Booze sounded like he was shouting through a megaphone, Beardo seemed to be whispering from the West Wing of his mansion, & Turtleman was obscured by a wall of hiss (no change there, then.)

We had to remix it with brute force just so we were all audible, meaning it ended up sounding like it’d been dredged up after 40 years on the bottom of the ocean, transferred onto a wax cylinder, smashed into a thousand pieces, sellotaped back together, then played back through a pair of Beats headphones.

Never mind, though. On this very special, very terrible sounding SFJ podcast, you will (sort of) hear us go head to head (to head) to find out who can do the most perfect Italian accent, meet a Tiger Whisperer who should’ve spoken up a bit, and discover which country has the worst Netflix choices in the whole world. And no toilet paper.

Also, our favourite Idiot of Facebook, Friendzone Frank, finally gets his big break in Hollywood! But can’t be bothered to turn up.

So stick us in your ear, my nipples. Just pretend it’s a bootleg or something.


Featuring: Booze, Chuck Turtleman, Beardo

Beware the moon, my honkies!

On this really rather special episode of the SFJ podcast, we travel to deepest darkest Worcestershire in search of the mythical badly drawn werepanther / bin bag that stalks the land and haunts the dreams of children. And also because we really want to hear Chuck Turtleman try to pronounce “Worcestershire”.

Beardo is back from getting married (sorry, ladies and hunky beefcakes), and we find out all about the poshest Australian wedding of the century in  a very very in-depth SFJ Special Report. Concentrating mainly on his trousers.

We also make a record breaking attempt to decipher the badly spelled, chemical enhanced status updates of not one, not two, but THREE Idiots of Facebook on one podcast. They said it couldn’t be done!

All this, and Booze doing a Scotch accent that will, quite frankly, knock your socks off and make them fly across the room. Eat your heart out, Mel Gibbons.

So stick us in your ear, stick to the roads, and keep off the moors.

*This podcast is not available in the North Carolina branch of iTunes


Featuring: Booze, Chuck Turtleman, Beardo

Whaaaat’s up, my honkies?

On this extra-special episode of the SFJ podcast, we see a new side of our favourite Idiot of Facebook, Frank. And, as we’ve seen his penis, we didn’t think there were many new sides left to see. Frank reveals a love letter he received about a decade ago, from a lady who may or may not have been a mermaid. With a very low megapixel cameraphone.

Oh, & our other favourite Idiot Lisa sings us a beautiful song, after which all her celebrity friends line up to tell her how great it was.

Beardo is back to tell us what happened on his in-no-way-highly-suspicious-not-that-there’s-anything-wrong-with-that-anyway all-male super fun weekend. Are these tame anecdotes REALLY the best things that happened in the whole 72 hours? Or does what happened in the YMCA, STAY in the YMCA?

All this, tougher sentences for children, a fish that STILL isn’t biting gentlemens’ bits and bobs, and in-depth coverage of one of Jennifer Lopez’s testicles.

So pull on your internet wetsuit, spit in your mask and stick us in your snorkel.

Dive! Dive! Dive!


Featuring: Beardo, Booze, Chuck Turtleman

Whaaaat’s up, my honkies?

What’s that sound, you ask? Why, that’s the New Idiot Alarm! That’s right. On this very special episode of the Sweet Feathery Jesus Podcast, we introduce you to our brand new Idiot of Facebook… Kimly Chaos!*

Kimly is a very special lady, who loves her kids, presumably thinks cancer is bad, and enjoys getting engaged on an almost daily basis to internet gentlemen she entices with a blurry photograph of her “clevage”.

Sadly and bafflingly, these relationships rarely seem to end on good terms, resulting in some very public arguments, death threats, pictures of weaponry and poorly spelled quotes from the bible.

The First World War was a terrible thing too, I’m sure we all agree. It did, however, lead to the birth of plastic surgery. I’m sure that if he were still with us, pioneering surgeon Sir Harold Gillies would look up from repairing the blown apart, caved-in face of a brave serviceman, and wipe away a tear of pride when he saw how his fledgling techniques eventually led to young stripper Kayla Morris being transformed from a normal looking girl into a cross between a barrage balloon and an upside down mandrill.

Meanwhile, Beardo gets flummoxed, Turtleman solves some more crimes, Booze impersonates a vicar and someone’s mum has hands like an alien.

So saddle up your lovely horse and stick us in your ears. It’s gonna be a wild ride!
*Special thanks to listener Tommy for discovering Kimly.


Featuring: Booze (rat), Chuck Turtleman (cock), and Beardo (ox)

新年快乐, my honkies! That’s right, the Happy New ChinaYear is upon us, and this time around, for the first time in the history of the SFJ podcast, it’s the Happy New Chinese Year of the Chinese Chinamonkey! In keeping with this extremely auspicious occasion, we bring you this very special episode of the Sweet Feathery Jesus Podcast, which is focused on all things Chinesey and monkeyish.

In retaliation for the travesty that was Tiptoes, Booze and Beardo make Chuck Turtleman and his Internet Lady watch a beloved TV Japanese Chinashow from their youth, called “Monkey!”, This show never aired in the US, and so Chuck was totally unaware of its very existence. Until now! It features Japanese Chinapeople depicting Chinese Chinapeople, overdubbed by British people doing a hilariously racist Chinese China-accent. Don’t worry, there’s also plenty of gleeful violence and attempted rape (it is a kids’ show, after all!).

Professor Chuck Turtleman takes up the Chinese monkey copter, and brings us a veritable Chinese buffet of stories from the Chinese Chinaregions. We also feature one of the best Idiots of Facebook segments ever, when some of Friendzone Frank’s “Bellas” turn on him in a cruel twist of fate that he totally did not bring upon himself by his own repeatedly stupid actions.

All this, more casual racism than you can poke a chopstick at, and the very special return of a fan-favourite former SFJ segment after a two-year hiatus, on this very special episode of SFJ!

So drill some ear holes in your lampshade-shaped monkey-sized Chinahat, and stick us right in there, nice and deep!

(Special thanks to Gravy!)


Featuring:  Booze, Beardo, Chuck Turtleman
Producer: Booze, Beardo, ChuckTurtleman

Whaaaaaat’s up, my diminutive honkies? On this, very special little episode, we dissect the 2003 dwarf film, Tiptoes, starring Matthew Mahogany and Gary Old Man. Is this straight-to-DVD movie a stunning tour-de-force of cinematic brilliance, or a steaming abortion of a film? The answer probably won’t surprise you.

Professor Turtleman takes up his miniature news copter and brings us four not-so-tall tales, all of which feature humans of less than regular stature. Having found a dwarf for Booze on a previous episode, we check in with Jemma Suicide and see what she’s up to (or down for, as it were). Finally, to break with the theme, we check in with our not-so-little Idiot of Facebook, Friendzone Frank!

All that, a dwarf sex criminal, the Islamic State, and at least one mention of a monkey, in this very special episode of the Sweet Feathery Jesus Podcast. So stick it in your tiny little earholes, my honkies!


Featuring:  Belasco, Beardo, Chuck Turtleman
Producer: Beardo

Haaaaaaappy New Years, my honkies!

In this very special episode, Beardo takes us on a stroll down memory lane, and curates a collection of the best ever SFJ original songs. Remember when Lisa Bleepdo and Kenny Powers were reunited and it felt so good? Beardo remembers. Remember when Doctor Peay (RIP) took to the skies in his world-famous News Scooter (due to budget cuts)? Beardo remembers. Remember when a Chinese Chinaman’s Chinapants got blown off by an exploding tractor tyre? Beardo Remembers.

All that, some KITTARDS, some casual racism and the monkey god Hanuman, on this very special episode of the Sweet Feathery Jesus Podcast! So stick us in your New Year-holes, my honkies!


Featuring:  Belasco, Beardo, Chuck Turtleman
Producer: Booze, Beardo, Turtleman

Meeeeeerry Christmas, my ho ho honkies!

Ever wondered what Christmas is like in the Democratic People’s Republic of North Korea?

Of course you have. Well, wonder no more. On this very special festive edition of Sweet Feathery Jesus, we talk, live via satellite, to an undercover correspondent embedded behind the Bamboo Curtain!

But not before we pay a musical tribute to our favourite Idiot of Facebook, Turtleman takes to the snowy skies in his Holiday Copter, Beardo embraces feminism & Booze is poisoned live on the podcast.

Also making our Yuletide gay is our old pal Dicky, who brings us a very special Christmas “Just the Tip”, YouTube sensation Stefano, with a very special erotic Christmas song, and all the bang up to date brussels sprout news you can shake a sleigh bell at.

So pour yourself a disgusting drink you wouldn’t even dream of imbibing for the rest of the year, gather the family around the tree and stick this in ALL your earholes. It’s Christmas! (Special thanks to Sam from the Kimchi Chronicles and Strange Times, who really IS in Korea, you know. Although there’s no way you’d be able to tell from listening to the podcast. We might as well have got Belasco to do one of his funny voices. It would’ve been a lot easier)

(Our favourite actress Shirley MacLaine is played by Gravy Hayes.)